If you’ve ever had the pleasure of venturing to the upper Delaware River, you have already met people like Tommy DeVito before.

The New York Giants quarterback is now technically an NFL player but is otherwise no different from any rote Italian man living on the edge of the unofficial capital of Western culture. For one, DeVito lives with his parents at the age of 25 (which is completely fine. America might be the only country in the world with the expectation that children must flee the nest as soon as possible). The objectionable part here is that his mother apparently still makes his bed. Again, he has been on our beloved blue marble of life for a quarter-century. He should be capable of cleaning up after himself and keeping his personal space and race car bed tidy. But I digress.

Dearest readers, it gets worse. According to a “Giants Spotlight” courtesy of New York Daily News columnist Pat Leonard, DeVito assuredly is not more than meets the eye. In fact, once you read about his interests and “taste” in culture, he sounds precisely like a young Italian man with a warped sense of reality and an eternal Peter Pan Syndrome.